I left you last with the beginnings of our journey with Westgate and my baptism. You're still going to have to wait until a later post to get the story of my baptism because there's a lot that went on in between. And it's messy.... very messy.
....
Right now, I'm staring at my computer screen because this part is probably the most personal of my testimony. Few know the details. It is scary, ugly, and embarrassing.
And now that I have built it up for you, I will just spill it.
Well, let me start here first:
I was boy crazy. Not surprising because I was 13 years old. However, my parents knew the dangers and deceits of young "love" and tried their hardest to steer me in a more wholesome direction. Again, I was 13 and the most rebellious of the Baugh children (not something I'm proud of). I dated stupid boys and kissed a few. I led on a few only to break their hearts. A few broke mine. All the while, straying from my parents' (but it was actually the Lord's) wisdom, driving a wedge in their trust in me and my trust in them (but it was actually the Lord's). I did not trust my heart to the One who created it.
Side note: You might be thinking this is a light and fluffy way of me talking about sex. I'm not. Although, sex is something that starts before any physical action occurs, this is not about my virginity. But for the record, I gave that to my husband when we got married.
My point is I was losing trust and for several years giving my thoughts to things that are not of God. And that opens doors for those scary, ugly, embarrassing things that I will now let you in on.
Fear
gives way to
Doubt.
Yes, they are names. They are spirits. And I let them in.
There was a movie that came out when I was in the 9th grade. You know it... The Passion of the Christ. Well, I didn't see it. I saw previews and that was enough to scare me because of a few scenes: the ones with Satan in them.
Something about seeing an actor portraying Satan scared me to death. Literally, I was dying of fear. I was so afraid of Satan himself appearing to me. I wasn't sure what he would do if he did appear, but I was so scared of finding out. I had several nightmares. I had a terrible time of keeping my thoughts off of this fear... And I could not sleep by myself for a year. Seriously guys, a year. My parents put a cot in their room so I could sleep there.
Something about the dark gives way to evil things. Jesus talks about this. Dark-lovers hating light. The light exposing the deeds of the dark. Well, when it was dark, I gave in to fear.
And then I began doubting the power of God. Could He save me? Was He really who He said He was? If I had heard His name all my life, why was I so afraid? Where was He?! Why was I so inclined to believe the evil one and not believe the Lord?
I'm sure it wouldn't surprise you to know there were many nights of crying and praying with my parents.
When I look back on that time in my life, my faith was so weak. But it was faith nonetheless. I can't pinpoint a revealing moment when it all just stopped. Maybe my baptism, maybe growing up, maybe a culmination of good life happening. Prayers were answered and I let myself get to know Him. And I am being freed because of Him. It all turned into a refining fire, just as all stories that end in Jesus do.
I have learned this: there is no fear in the Lord. He keeps you safe.
So there it is. One of the messiest parts of my testimony. No, it didn't have alcohol or drugs in it. It didn't have to. Everyone's hell is different. It is all the same though. My Jesus saved me from that hell. He taught me how to trust Him so that I can honor Him. I know for a fact now that I am in Him.
"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death."
